Why networking is not working

I know people. I like those people I know. Why do I need to meet more people? Oh, for my career, right.

As an actor, I have to go out and meet people and be seen. Not something I should do, but something I have to do. Every single week, a bunch of actors and major(ish) players in the Portland film community (including the casting director in town) have drinks at the MoHo. Tonight was my first night there. I was surprised to see I knew about a third of the people there. I even liked most of them, which is always a bonus. The problem is when I wonder why I am there. To see people I haven't seen in a while is nice, but I think the reason people go there is to be seen. This is the biggest thing I do not like about actors, we are needy. Yes, we need attention, but these weekly social gatherings make good career sense in that you are seen by your peers or whatever, and you get to know people in the community, so when you walk onto a set or into an audition, you already know a bunch of the other people there. You are in.

I know that it's not who you know, but who knows you that counts in this career, this city, this world. What if I'm just tired of meeting new people? I'm sure I would enjoy them once I got to know them, I am earnestly positive that they are mostly intriguing people, but why do I have to meet them all? I already have too many friends and family to keep track of. I've wanted to catch up with so many people and just not. I feel no urge to go out and meet more people I won't have time to follow up with. I have connections with people I've known since before I could grow facial hair, heck, even before the hair on the top of my head started to recede. Now that's history.

Am I a stick in the mud, an old man who wants to stay where he is comfortable? Yes. I'm okay with that. Should I go out and meet all these people working in the industry, or at least wanting to get further ahead in the industry? Probably, yeah. Would I create a weekly routine where I would catch up with these people on a regular basis? Damnit...now it makes sense.

Flip side of the coin for me is the question of what I want. Do I want to be a Portland actor? I think I do. That's what I say my goal is...but when I analyze my dreams...I really want to be a Hollywood actor. I want to work with my heroes, Mitchell Hurwitz, Joss Whedon, Tina Fey, Will Ferrell, Gus Van Sant...well, that last one was Portland, but he really is a Hollywood director who lives in Portland.

If I am honest, I really want to be a huge-ass fish in a small pond. It is ridiculous. I want to be an LA guy, but I do not want to ever live there. I want fame...which is not something people find in Portland. I guess one reason I find the P-town socials droll is that it's really getting to know the people also stranded on the same island while you are looking across the ocean imaging what wonders lie beyond the horizon. How impossible a dream it is I have. I don't know how to change it. I don't control my dreams, and yet they fuel me. Am I afraid of shrinking my impossible dreams into something based more in reality...Yes. Who wouldn't be? Am I going to do it: acknowledge that I need to climb every step of the ladder? Maybe. Will I hold on to the notion that I can skip a few rungs based on luck, tenacity, ignorance and even more luck? Damn right I will. This is still my adventure.

The good fight?

This is a self-intervention.

Hello, my name is Vinnie, and I am addicted to Rise of Nations.

I skipped dinner and hanging out to play this game. In all fairness, those things seem rather trivial when you are working on conquering the world. I do have a few nice monuments, they really help out the empire. Crap, doing it again. Dreaming about playing the game while I am awake.

Sigh.

It's not that it's super terrible or something. I don't like the games War or Risk (I loathe them, in fact). So why should I find myself addicted to Rise of Nations now, Civilization: Call to Power a few years ago, and even to Dicewars online? I think it might not just be the lure of world domination, but the thought of not really hurting anyone along the way. All the games that pit one player against all others, I tend to avoid, at least when played against other living people. I think the real reason I enjoy these computer games is that I can rue algorithms while satisfying my desire to rule.

Looking at it, I not only don't like the games where I need to destroy friends, but I really enjoy the ones where we fight side-by-side against, well, generally it's aliens in some form or another. Maybe this isn't a problem afterall. Maybe it's healthy. Well...except for the skipping of meals part, and the avoidance of social requirements because I'd rather be conquering.

Vincent means To Conquer, so perhaps I'm just living up to my name...then again, I need to go out and remember what the sky looks like. The real one.

Birds of a feather...swim together?

Last night I hung out with some good friends I haven't had time to spend with for a while, so that was nice. I was talking about how I'm taking the tortoise approach with my webseries Set Theory, because I'd found that more satisfying of a process than the hare's method and madness. After I said this, one of them told me he almost always takes the tortoise route and admired me for pretty much always going for whatever it was I wanted and diving right in.

I thought about that.

I like it. I think what keeps me taking chances is that I don't give myself too much time to look over the edge before I jump. If I do, I know I would get caught in a loop inside my head that would stop me from taking the next small, but vital step. I generally don't jump completely blind, though. I talk with other people about the fall and what's on the other side, so I have a general idea, but I do tend to jump no matter what. Though I think what really frees me to let go and live, is that I know that the fall on the other side won't really kill me (it's actually very serene, I learned from my skydiving experience), and the landing won't kill me either. It may break me, but I always heal. More importantly, I know that I will always have friends and family there, not just at the bottom, but along the way to guide me to safe ground. As long as I stay open to them and listen.

As in life, so it is in improv. A great team working together as one unit, a school of fish sensing when to turn and not only avoid collision, but create forward momentum.

...how did that falling metaphor turn into a swimming metaphor?....meh. I'll take it.

Does the thought really count?

I spent all of last night making a delectable salad. I artfully chopped some mixed vegetables (and a pear for good measure) and spent at least an hour tossing mesclun and lettuce with a delicious mix of vinaigrette, herbs and spices. All of this so I could deliver it to a couple friends who cannot come on our annual winter camping trip. It was a wonderful plan and very nice of me (if I do say so myself, which I clearly do).

Then my alarm went off and I woke up, realizing I spent all of my sleeping time dreaming about doing this one nice thing for other people instead of cool stuff, like flying or painting straw.

All that effort wasted.