Tuesday, August 18, 2015

How to take advantage of a brain tumor

Three simple steps for how to take advantage of having a brain tumor.

1. Get a brain tumor.

I've only told a few people about it so far, but I have a brain tumor. It's not a big deal or anything, (but I can't tell you that because of step 2).

Apparently about 10% of the population has tiny benign brain tumors that are just there not hurting anyone. Mine is probably one of those. It's 3mm and pushing up against my pituitary causing a slight increase in prolactin. Odds are it's just a tiny guy with no ambition, but we'll give it a few months before checking it again to see if it might be a grower. Either way, there's not much to do at the moment. It's too small for surgery and if it looks like it won't grow, I could just let it sit there forever. There's another option where I take a pill once a week for about 2 years which will shrink it to nothing. I'll be nauseous the first couple months I take the pill, but I hear that passes. So yeah. As far as brain tumors go, I think I got the best kind.

2. Use your brain tumor as a trump card in every single discussion/debate/sentence.

Even though my brain tumor has now been reduced to a little trifle in your mind (is that an irony or a pun?), you still maintain a bit of shock and guilt. I will now harness those feelings and tack on the following:

3. Add an ask, people will comply because tumor guilt is a thing (at least I hope it is. I mean...I may be remembering things wrong--I don't know if you heard, but I have a brain tumor).

I'm auditioning for a great film project whose basis is very close to my heart--Oktoberfest. I could really use your help. Please go to this link and watch the video then vote for me to play the role of Freddie. You'll make both me and my tiny tumor very happy:

4. Sit back and see how people react.

P.S. Yes I do have a brain tumor and it's tiny and benign. That's not a bit. Also please do vote for me, I'd like to do this film; I want to show my tumor a good time.

5. Always thank people.

Thank you, people!