Confidence

Yesterday I met with a friend out of town who was meeting with a few Hollywood bigwigs (or at least midwigs, but definitely not lil'wigs). It was at a fancy multi-star hotel in a bar looking over the ocean serving delicately prepared food in tiny portions on fancy-shaped plates. Basically, it was the kind of setting a boy who grew up on a farm does not usually encounter.

I've had a few experiences like this so far as I am so determined to take the biggest baby steps possible. I parked half a mile away in some day-lot (I have never used a valet in fear that they would not know how to handle a car made in the late 90's). As I trekked up the fancy hill and up the fancy drive with fancy trees covered in fancy lights I mentally repeated to myself "I am good enough to be here." This was the first time I've psyched myself up that way, and it is something I think I will be doing for quite a while.

I know I'm a person just like anyone else, but I do feel my bumpkin background something fierce when surrounded by people who are monetarily capable of impulsing buying cars. I really did self affirm that I was (and am) good enough to not only enter such a fancy place, but to eat and drink there on the patio overlooking the sun seting on the Pacific Ocean with people whose paychecks can put my whole family through college (and I have a huge family). As it turned out, I was good enough to be there. I connected on a personal level. Apparently a lot of people like talking about their farming roots, and I can quip comedy when relaxed and feeling all belonging.

Segue.

Earlier that morning I read something on the forum I have with my longest/best friends I felt a strong urge to respond to. It would not be noteworthy had it not been something relating to religion and politics. You see, I fundamentally disagree with the group of friends I've known the longest and care about the most. I rarely share my personal political opinions with them as a group in fear of being pounced upon, devoured whole and excommunicated. Something must be happening to me because I responded openly and frankly. I kind of said screw it to my silence and spoke my peace. I know that open and honest communication, though it may cause ripples, creates much stronger bonds than silence. However, knowledge and action are two separate things. I finally acted upon my impulse to say "wait a minute, think about this other thing." Though still scary, it felt good.

In short, through these two incidences I moved beyond the misplaced need to apologize for who I am. Yes, I am good enough to not only schmooze with "powerful" people, but I am also good enough to have a point of view that other people disagree with. I've always had an opinion and enjoyed meeting people, I just had opportunities to exercise these things in a new way that I can feel as real growth. So my large baby steps fall into the "just bein' myself" category. This makes me happy.

This evening I had the most comfortable conversation with my parents and family on the phone, no doubt in relation to the confidence I got from letting go of my useless insecurities. I hope this means I will stop feeling the need to apologize when I ask my dad for money...I mean...what?

So yeah--confidence--something to be thankful for this year.