Friday, April 13, 2012

Express yo self



They don't really fit together in the real world as much as some people try and place them together. Both exist in life and only in rare circumstances together.

To put it bluntly I have a lot of crap going on right now. My life is up in the air. I'm less than 3 weeks away from turning 30 and I have no job, no real prospect of a job, a place that's too big/too much for me, taxes I just paid, insurance I have to pay, classes I want/need to take and no income of consequence. I'm living the dream.

In my acting classes I'm realizing that though I am a sensitive person (I've always suspected must have something to do with all that poetry I wrote in the bathtub in High School), I am not an expressive person. I may be animated in life, but I don't really express my emotions. This works great in life, as I have said before, but I'm realizing that when I suppress one emotion, they all get squished down. There's a fantastic Ted talk on this matter I saw today from Brene Brown. Watch it if you haven't yet.

One step I'm taking for myself is to give me permission to express myself. A few minutes ago I got a text from a former improv classmate who said he'll be my new roommate, so that helps the financials quite a bit, and the fact that I avoided the craigslist crazies is enough to celebrate on its own. That's it. I still have big crap to deal with, attorneys and whatnot to speak to, parents to ask a loan from (yep, almost thirty I am). All that aside, there's one victory for me to have. I don't need to do the old Catholic guilt thing where every time something positive happens I stay quiet about it and wait for the bad thing that's following right behind it. I'd rather not celebrate publicly to be immediately humiliated even more publicly. That said, since I know it's going to happen anyway, I might as well enjoy the moment and have those few minutes of happiness than postpone them out of future dread.

I'm not sure what I'll do with my anger as it comes up, as I know it will, but I guess I'll just find out. I'm letting my happy out of the bag and lettinallowing Pandora to remove whatever else she thinks needs some airing out.

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