It's what people do

I realized that when I journaled (technically I still do, I just haven't in probably almost a year), I mostly did it when I was feeling more stress, or had a moment of time. I'm following the same pattern with blogging. Now I just "don't have the time" though I make the time for other things, but stuff is also going pretty well (for the moment, at least). I've got a full schedule making things come together, or at least nudging them along, so I feel a much smaller need to blog, because I don't really need reassurance. Journaling and blogging are different kinds of prayer for me, I think. They help me state in writing what's going on, and I usually end with some statement of encouragement. I suppose that's what most people do with religion. When things are going well, they figure they do not need it or God, and when things go wrong, well, I think every single person has prayed to God (or their version of a diety) in times of peril and crisis. Maybe I'm just a normal person in that regard. There I am.

What's my motivation?

"How do you get motivated if you don't 'feel' it at the time?"-Cate

I'm kind of liking the "Dear Abby" approach. I wouldn't mind this becoming a Dear Vinnie blog. Not that I'm qualified to answer anything, but if Betty White can do it, by golly, so can I!

It's funny you say I don't seem to struggle with motivation. I do. Greatly. Daily, in fact. That's something I'm figuring out, or at least learning more about in myself to try and figure out how not to be so lazy. That's where I sit with it. I feel lazy most of the time. Now I've incorporated relaxing time and game time into my day to relieve myself from the stress of feeling like I'm wasting my time. I accepted the fact that I need to relax every day or I will die. That's helped with the headaches, but not the motivation part. I find that playing with scale helps. Big things, like earning a degree, making a movie or building a house or business are great things to have done, but hell to be in the middle of doing. That's what Set Theory is for me now. My show, yes, but huge, with so many steps that it is completely impossible to even imagine all of them being done. This is where people with money get other people to help them along the way. I am very lucky to have so many people helping me every step, I just need to know when and how to ask...which I am learning at a snail's pace.

You know, when I first read your comment last night, I wanted to dig in and write immediately, but I put it off. I answered the other comment because it came in first. I've had enough time to go through all the elements I wanted to say, repeated them, and subsequently forgotten them. That's a big lesson. If you feel the urge to do something, do it that moment. That's where my list comes in, the one I carry with me in my pocket. My to-do list, constantly being updated, added to. If you have an idea, that's nice, but it's not an idea until you write it down, because it can go as quick as it came. Just taking note of things triggers something in your brain making it important and more memorable.

There are days when my to-do list does not get shorter. Like today, I pretty much did nothing on my list. I know why. No good reason (other than being engrossed in both a book "The Writer's Tale" and a TV show "Downton Abbey" (which is BRILLIANT, by the way, thank you for suggesting it. I've only just finished the second episode, but I cannot wait to see more, it's so dense and British and intelligent, I love it!).

I didn't cross things off my list because I didn't schedule to do them. Plain and simple. That's my downfall. If I am responsible to someone else, like with lines or when I have a meeting or something, I do my part every time. When I am responsible to myself, I let it go. That's not true, I actually beat myself up for being so lazy, but I know I didn't lose face. The days when I am proud of getting things done, are days when I wake up, look at my list, then mark one or two things. Those things I do, then as soon as I'm done, I mark something else, then repeat those steps until the day is over or I am tired. The secret to getting things done is doing things. It's like when you want someone to volunteer for a job, you don't ask the person with the least amount to do, they'll say no. You ask the person with the most on their plate, you know they will say yes. People follow Newton's first law. If they are in motion they want to stay that way. If they are not moving, why get up and move? It's that first step to anything. That first step of breaking the static friction of life, to create motion. Once you're going, you're going to move.

I sometimes let myself get depressed. Not the big depression, but I have had panic attacks and fed the solitude, camping in my own world sheltered from the outside. Sometimes it's what I need, but most of the time I just need to tell that voice that says to stay in to stop and go out anyway. I figure as long as I don't let those bouts of hermitude last longer than a cold, then I'm okay.

I think what I want to get across is the importance of writing things down and scheduling them out. Just writing stuff down is a huge step towards making things real. My personal problem is when I don't schedule things. I know I work much better when I schedule with other people, it's a way of holding myself accountable. There's no real secret, it's just telling that voice that says "worry about it later, just sit down and watch tv" to shut up. Then do stuff. Although, having a complex where you feel like you need to accomplish more or you're worthless helps too, but not in the long run.

I don't know if that helps with your severely depressed patients, telling them to shut up, make a list of things to do and do one at a time, but that's what I do. Even if it's gas the car or buy milk, those things are on my list right next to write episode 5, schedule ADR and take a bath/read.

Running through walls

I set out the new year with a plan to create a regimented schedule to assure I would get things done. Turns out I not only need a schedule, but I need to stick with it! That's craziness.

I want to work more seriously on my web series, mainly writing it and getting the pilot episode polished up so I can use it to get funding for the rest of the season. Turns out other people aren't hiring me for my dream job, so I have to conjure it up. I am getting hired for other (non-paying) roles, which take up some time, especially when one is an obscure Shakespeare work.

Work, that's taking up time too, the job, the thing that gives me money and health insurance. Then family and friends. You know, those things that make life happen. I've let all that fog up my path and I've slowed down to a crawl making sure I don't run into anything in a blind run. I think that might be the wrong approach (or at least not the best one). I cannot wait for the fog to lift to keep going. I need to pretend like I know where the road goes already. What I need to do is the scary thing and keep on running into the unknown, knowing it's the right way.

Maybe this is "the wall" all runners who finish the race go through. It's not a solid thing that tangibly blocks your path, but more of an atmosphere that you knew would be there, but are still surprised at finding yourself enveloped by. Okay then wall; you can stay right where you're at, but I am not. You don't need to do anything, I'm just going to run right through you.

Deal with it.

If I hit a tree, it happens. It won't kill me (unless, maybe if it's a whomping willow). One thing I do know, I'm not going to fall off anything. There's ground under my feet and I'm about to discover more every step of the way.