What's my motivation?

"How do you get motivated if you don't 'feel' it at the time?"-Cate

I'm kind of liking the "Dear Abby" approach. I wouldn't mind this becoming a Dear Vinnie blog. Not that I'm qualified to answer anything, but if Betty White can do it, by golly, so can I!

It's funny you say I don't seem to struggle with motivation. I do. Greatly. Daily, in fact. That's something I'm figuring out, or at least learning more about in myself to try and figure out how not to be so lazy. That's where I sit with it. I feel lazy most of the time. Now I've incorporated relaxing time and game time into my day to relieve myself from the stress of feeling like I'm wasting my time. I accepted the fact that I need to relax every day or I will die. That's helped with the headaches, but not the motivation part. I find that playing with scale helps. Big things, like earning a degree, making a movie or building a house or business are great things to have done, but hell to be in the middle of doing. That's what Set Theory is for me now. My show, yes, but huge, with so many steps that it is completely impossible to even imagine all of them being done. This is where people with money get other people to help them along the way. I am very lucky to have so many people helping me every step, I just need to know when and how to ask...which I am learning at a snail's pace.

You know, when I first read your comment last night, I wanted to dig in and write immediately, but I put it off. I answered the other comment because it came in first. I've had enough time to go through all the elements I wanted to say, repeated them, and subsequently forgotten them. That's a big lesson. If you feel the urge to do something, do it that moment. That's where my list comes in, the one I carry with me in my pocket. My to-do list, constantly being updated, added to. If you have an idea, that's nice, but it's not an idea until you write it down, because it can go as quick as it came. Just taking note of things triggers something in your brain making it important and more memorable.

There are days when my to-do list does not get shorter. Like today, I pretty much did nothing on my list. I know why. No good reason (other than being engrossed in both a book "The Writer's Tale" and a TV show "Downton Abbey" (which is BRILLIANT, by the way, thank you for suggesting it. I've only just finished the second episode, but I cannot wait to see more, it's so dense and British and intelligent, I love it!).

I didn't cross things off my list because I didn't schedule to do them. Plain and simple. That's my downfall. If I am responsible to someone else, like with lines or when I have a meeting or something, I do my part every time. When I am responsible to myself, I let it go. That's not true, I actually beat myself up for being so lazy, but I know I didn't lose face. The days when I am proud of getting things done, are days when I wake up, look at my list, then mark one or two things. Those things I do, then as soon as I'm done, I mark something else, then repeat those steps until the day is over or I am tired. The secret to getting things done is doing things. It's like when you want someone to volunteer for a job, you don't ask the person with the least amount to do, they'll say no. You ask the person with the most on their plate, you know they will say yes. People follow Newton's first law. If they are in motion they want to stay that way. If they are not moving, why get up and move? It's that first step to anything. That first step of breaking the static friction of life, to create motion. Once you're going, you're going to move.

I sometimes let myself get depressed. Not the big depression, but I have had panic attacks and fed the solitude, camping in my own world sheltered from the outside. Sometimes it's what I need, but most of the time I just need to tell that voice that says to stay in to stop and go out anyway. I figure as long as I don't let those bouts of hermitude last longer than a cold, then I'm okay.

I think what I want to get across is the importance of writing things down and scheduling them out. Just writing stuff down is a huge step towards making things real. My personal problem is when I don't schedule things. I know I work much better when I schedule with other people, it's a way of holding myself accountable. There's no real secret, it's just telling that voice that says "worry about it later, just sit down and watch tv" to shut up. Then do stuff. Although, having a complex where you feel like you need to accomplish more or you're worthless helps too, but not in the long run.

I don't know if that helps with your severely depressed patients, telling them to shut up, make a list of things to do and do one at a time, but that's what I do. Even if it's gas the car or buy milk, those things are on my list right next to write episode 5, schedule ADR and take a bath/read.

The weight of the world

I love baths. I try to take as many of them as I can. That is my time, alone to think, and read, and create...mostly just to indulge in myself, my body relaxing and my mind minding.

That's my selfish time where I dream about future stories, both my own future (Emmy acceptance speech "...thank you.") and stories I want to tell (how exactly should I beat out that episode? What image can I not separate myself from?). The bath is where the world gets sucked out of me and into the epsom salts (yes, I use them), and bubbles, just for fun (and the scent of pomegranate or cherry blossom is just a nice thing to have around sometimes).

Not sure why I'm using so many parenthesis, these words are being said whether I pretend they're supposed to be a cute secret joke or not.

I just started reading "The Writer's Tale: the Final Chapter", a dialogue between former Doctor Who showrunner Russel T Davies and writer Benjamin Cook. I am opening myself up to that same bold use of honesty. Not sure how this will change or effect my blogs, but I do know that they will be different in some way henceforth. I've just given myself permission, which is..well, just what it is.

The story I was thinking of writing while in the bathtub:
I sometimes enjoy hitting the drain when I am done with the warm water and lie there as it drains, the water lowering in the tub, my body sinking down and down, getting heavier and heavier. What struck me today, is that I've never felt that my body was getting heavier, it's just as I describe it that I think that word. In my mind, every time I do this, I feel the cold air covering more of my front and the heaviness the air brings with it as evidence (in my mind) that I am traveling through space at fantastic speed, accelerating. The weight in my body is proof for that image that I am going faster and faster, and the world is pushing by me so fast I can feel its coldness press against me, waking me up.

What I find is that it is so much harder for me to get up and out of an empty bathtub that has recently been full than it is to get out of one that was empty all along. This is my deep statement that takes me to a million different places. The weight of the world upon re-entry. It's heavy, and worth feeling from time to time.